I Can't Imagine...

While I am behind on recipe posts, ballet journies, and teaching a challah making class - I had to take a step back to reflect on the Mass Shooting in Newtown, CT and how it forces me to struggle with becoming or not becoming an American. 

As a Canadian, I don't remember sitting watching news of mass school shootings. I remember hearing about them as something that happened in the US, not in my home. My memories of major tragedy as a child are associated with the assassination of President Yitzhak Rabin and the tragic death of Princess Diana, but a school shootings was a foreign concept.  

I was living in Montreal in September of 2006 when there was a school shooting at Dawson College.  I was a student at a neighboring University. One victim died and 19 were injured. I remember the entire city in a standstill, a gloomy feeling; it felt as though an entire city was numb. The feelings loomed for a few days and slowly the city pieced itself back together and found the strength to move on. 

While the shooting in Montreal was something I lived through, it is certainly not my only memory of a mass school shooting.  I remember April 20, 1999 when two students opened fire at Columbine High School in Colorado, killing 12 classmates, a teacher and leaving 26 wounded.  I remember April 16, 2007 when a 32 people were killed at Virginia Tech.  How can I forget? 

And now I live here in the United States and in my just over 3 years living here I feel like every time I turn on the news there is a devastating story which breaks my heart and puts into question - why do I live in a country unable to protect our children?  From the Sikh Temple in Wisconisn, to Aurora Colorado, the devastation remains and the lack of changes to Mental Health treatment and gun control are stagnant. 

So here I am an Alien (I just parked my UFO in the garage) living in the United States. I have a wonderful husband, amazing friends, and a great life in Boston. But, there is always a lingering feeling of wanting to go back to Canada and the struggle I have about wanting or mostly NOT wanting to become an American citizen. The events of the past week of made this struggle even more real for me.  I consider myself an outsider looking in and here are a few of my thoughts. 

I want to want to be an American but I can't. 

I can’t imagine becoming a parent while living here and going through self-doubt every day when I send my future kids to school. I can’t imagine thinking that my neighbors could purchase a gun just as easily as they could buy a pack of cigarettes and that school hallways can become there targets. 

I can’t imagine being an American Citizen because I can’t imagine telling my (future) kids I love them and holding them so tight every time they leave the house because I am unaware of all those around me who have access to guns. 

I can’t imagine raising a family in a country where mental health is a taboo topic and any act that leaves people dead and injured is associated with autism and other personality disorders. What about the fact that some people may just not be good people and that some of the most amazing people I know have autism, depression, or ADD – which doesn’t define them or make them bad people. It makes them who they are – amazing, caring, and smart individuals. 

I can’t imagine being a citizen of a country that uses the word Autism as though it’s evil.

And why, why is it that the murderer becomes a celebrity? We hear his name so often that it becomes ingrained in our memories, but try and remember the names of the victims and we fall blank. I can’t imagine being a citizen of a country where the most googled name is that of a killer and not the hero’s. 

I can’t imagine being a citizen of a country that doesn’t do everything in its will to protect my future children.